Feelin' stupid, 2005-10-12, 11:33
I've always wanted to be a good writer. Someone who can think of
just the right sentence to sum up what they are thinking and do it with
style, class and, above all, proper grammar and spelling. This description
doesn't fit me at all.
I'm not a good speller. Scratch that - I can't spell. Spellcheck laughs at
my attempts to spell correctly and spits back my garbled words as if they
were sunflower seed shells. So often I go to write something and have to
use different words to say what I want to say - less effective words -
because I can't spell what I want to spell. I can't write what I want to
write. And grammar? Not a chance. I do what I can and hope that it's ok. I
do know basic rules and observe them as often as possible, but I know what
I write must be painful to many.
Perhaps I exaggerate. And I just had to use spell check to figure out how
to spell exaggerate. Perhaps I'm not that bad and it's just in my mind. I
don't know. I do know that when I need to make a point, my spelling fails
me. I think it's the excitement of the moment - the need to get my
thought out before it leaves my head. And I fail every time.
Recently I left a mailing list because of this. I just felt so ... so
stupid and unprepared to continue talking with these womyn, womyn I'd been
on a list with for almost two years. And I've gotten a warning at TWoP
because I forgot to put two names in uppercase, which shames me everytime
I look at my postings and see the 20% warning. I hate this feeling of not
being good enough. But it's my choice to cut myself off from this list, my
choice to feel that shame. I do what I can - spell check, rereads, mom
rereading papers and so on. But in the heat of the moment, when I'm trying
to make a point - especially when it's a point about spelling - I fail.
I can see other peoples errors. I correct them if it's a student because
that's my job. But there's some empathy there for them knowing that I feel
the same way. They need to know the world doesn't take kindly to those who
can't cut it.
BTW, this is my first e-mail posting. If this works, I shall be posting a
lot more. And it has a spellcheck.