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Being Healthy, 2003-08-31, 6:44 p.m.


I got back to my exercise routines today. Well, I've been exercising all week, but today, I worked out on machines at my parents house. Mom was supposed to as well, but she had to go to an Indian Dance graduation, so she couldn't.

It was great. It was so wonderful do just workout and push my body.

You see, I like my body. What it can do. It's not small - I'm fat by many standards. But I'm not thin.

In fact, you know, I'll never be thin. I just want to be healthy. I'm changing my eating a little as it'd started to get quite unhealthy (a lot of sugar and junk food found it's way into what used to be a healthy diet). But I'm not going to get obsessive about it. Just healthy.

This all comes from a post of wicked-idea. Well, many posts in fact. That, and a dietsite that makes me sad looking at it. She talked about fat being a body, not a disorder. The diet site shows how scared people are of fat and how they are stuck in diet mode.

Places such as weight watchers scare me. Simply because it's people getting together to discuss how to lose parts of themselves every week. Stars given for weight loss. A focus on loss, not reclaiming. I think that for some they're important. And I only make those statements on second hand knowledge - I follow the points, but don't go to the meetings. I follow the points and modify and design as is best for me. Focus being not on losing but on health. Even though I know that they're not like it, I picture them being full of women who sit around talking about the horridness of junkfood, making those who may have indulged feel bad about it, or guilty. Everyone measuring each other with their eyes and determining if they've gained this week. While I know that this isn't it, it's how I see it. For some, the experience is uplifting; for me, it would pressure and depress me.

I try not to weigh myself. I am proud that I did lose around 70 pounds last year, simply because I became healthier and stronger. I do like it sometimes when a size smaller fits. I want to go back to feeling I've taken care of myself because I have gained weight and feel unhealthy. I've decided that I like my body - no matter the size. Size up, size down, it matters and doesn't. I like what my body can do and that I'm around.

I have said I'm fat. I think it sometimes. But I'm not breaking down over it. I'm accepting it. Because the fat on my body is part of my body. The body that allows me to do yoga and pilates and aerobics and cardio and bike and read and work and do anything I want to do. I'm more than a number, so I don't weigh myself (I did once or twice a while ago, but I try not to. That was just to see how much I lost).

I think that when my lungs gave up a while ago, I realized how vunerable a body can be. Now I'm reclaiming it. Who gives a damn about what size it is as long as it's healthy? As long as I'm healthy.

I will always be a double figure clothing wearer. Who cares? If I'm healthy, it's the point.

I've made several admittances in this entry that I feel contridict the message of it: that I like it when a smaller size fits and that I follow points (on occasion). However, they're not the point. The point is that I'm getting healthy again, that sometimes, I need guidelines like points to get my eating in check. But overall, I don't want to seem like my focus is on the points of the clothing size. Instead, it is on the health factor of it all. As it should be for you.


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