An old boyfriend is in town. Apparently he wants to see me. Why I don't know. Perhaps it's something like laying to rest old demons or something. Maybe it's because he figures we can be friends. Maybe he doesn't remember how we broke up.

I guess it was amicable enough. If amicable means horrid and awful. It was a long distance relationship. I just told him that I needed a break. For the relationship to be over and when he came back we would reassess if we should get back together. When he came down I told him that I wasn't interested and that I'd been with someone else. Apparently my explanation of break is different that what he thought. I then wouldn't put around resumes for him as I had said I would consider. He got mad at me and said that even if I didn't want to see him, others would. I told him then then should put around his resume. And so on.

We e-mailed a few times after that. Especially when I was seriously into a relationship at one point (that one failed - but that's another very long story.) We e-mailed 3 years ago or so. 2 or 3. Just a couple quick notes. That's the only contact we've had.

He was from a time in my life when I was hanging out with very intense people. There were four of us. We were called "The Orgy". My closest friend was someone who I shared everything with. She set us up. Some people thought we were sisters, others thought we were twins. Everyone thought we were weird. We'd hold hands, sit close, share clothes, share memories. We'd try to help each other. We were bad for each other. We went to China together, only fighting once in the week. I helped save her life there.

The friendship effectively ended one night when she was over to my place. She said she was having some problems with her boyfriend. I said that it was good that he was in town - they could talk things over. She stood up, glared at me, screamed 'You're not the only one with problems you know!' and then ran out of the house. Apparently she nearly crashed the car on her way home. The next day she came up to me in stagecraft as if nothing had happened. I didn't want to deal with that. So I didn't. I didn't talk to her.

We made up after a bit. But it was never the same. We lost contact after I broke up with my boyfriend. "The Orgy" was essentially finished.

I saw her around the same time that I was e-mailing with him. She seems a lot healthier. She was studying graphic design in Halifax. It was a weird conversation.

Sometimes I think of them. I hope they're happy. But I don't want them near me.

My mom is great. She told him "Alison has gotten on with her life. She has an unlisted number. I can give her your number and it is up to her if she calls or not". I love my mom. She is girl power. Womyn power.

I won't call. I've settled my demons and I don't need more.

My trip to China was in that time period. Sweet 18, on the way to a UN Conference, not a care in the world besides feminism and the thought that my boyfriend had moved. We sang this song, adding harmony, adding significant looks. Hold hands, two girls off on an adventure.

China - By Tori Amos. From the Album 'Little Earthquakes"'

China all the way to New York.
I can feel the distance getting close.
You're right next to me, but I need an airplane.
I can feel the distance as you breathe.

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you.
Well how can I, when you build the Great Wall around you?
In your eyes I saw a future together.
Oh... you just look away in the distance.

China decorates our table. Funny,
how the cracks don't seem to show.
Pour the wine, dear. You say we'll take a holiday.
But we never can agree on where to go.

And sometimes I think you want me to touch you.
Well how can I, when you build the Great Wall around you?
In your eyes I saw a future together.
Oh... you just look away in the distance.

Hi die die hi die die die die...
Ah ah ah ah ha ha...
Hi die die die die die die die...
(Ha ah ha ah ha, ha ah,)
Hi-die die die die die die die...
(Ah ah ha... ha ah...)

China all the way to New York, maybe you got lost in Mexico.
You're right next to me. I think that you can hear me.
Funny, how the distance learns to grow.

And sometimes I think you want me to touch you.
How can I, when you build the Great Wall around you?
Hi die, ya da da da die die.
I can feel the distance, I can feel the distance,
I can feel the distance getting... close...

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