This is my second entry today. Its funny, reading someone elses diary made me realize that people don't always check 'previous' or 'older entries'. I know I do, but many don't. So, if you want to see if you've missed anything, thats what to do.

I'm getting close to the end of work. Its nice. Of course, now I have to prepare for a job. Its very scary. But I have people supporting me and I have enough acting skills to get through it. I hope.

I'm going to miss things. I'm going to miss positive feed back from profs. I'm going to miss some of the debates that we have in class. I'm going to miss culture class when there aren't many people there. I'm going to miss english when we hijack the class and take them on an internet journey. I'm going to miss philosophical debates in (what else) philosophy. I miss other courses that I did. But its the interaction that we have, knowing we are safe in these interactions. Staff rooms don't always want to hear it. Students don't. Perhaps an e-mail list will help. Perhaps getting out of the student environment will help. Perhaps this diary will help. We'll see.

One thing that I won't miss is this student-imposed poverty. Yes, I am lucky. I have someone in my life that more than helps. BUT, all the same, I have no money. One pay cheque this fall, before taxes is almost as much as I had to live on all summer. And I get two of those a month. So in a month I earn more than I had to live on from May to September. That is scary. What do student loan granters think? We live in boxes with no rent and have no need for food? I'm looking forward to a cheque when I can buy texts that would have been useful but that I couldn't afford to get. And I had the maximum loan. But, in the summers it's less than in the fall and winter. This is because they figure that most people don't do the full number of courses. And the term is a week shorter. I have to do the maximum plus one (regular maximum is five, I've had to do six because of the layout of my degree - I had to do six in the fall as well. Its the way it is). The maximum loan for someone doing two courses is the same as the maximum for someone doing six. And we can't work because then we won't get as much money. And any job I could have gotten would have paid minimum wage because I wouldn't have time to get a higher paying job - not while doing six courses. So it wouldn't have been worth it and my marks would have suffered. They just get more to live on. No wonder we leave school, jaded, frustrated, tired and broke. At least my loan is not that big. And I got a scholarship last term which paid $1000 of it. It's sad, the state of studentdom. No wonder so many leave here. They can get money elsewhere.

But thats just a rant. A rant that is on my mind yet has been said so many times it now is not a rant but reality based conversation. ah well.

"We got beets!" ~ Lisa Simpson

What song to give you? I'm feeling mellow and warm... hmm...

What do you hear in these sounds - Dar Williams. A friend gave this to me on a tape and I didn't know the wonder that is Dar. Later, I recieved a tape with another Dar song on it and began to search out her music. And this song came back to me. The description of feeling like 'East Berlin' is how I feel way too often. So, no more intro. Here's the song:

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak

I go and I find the one and only answer every week

And it's just me and all the memories to follow

Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour

And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent

When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent

And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,

But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...

And she says

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?

And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaah

What do you hear in these sounds?????

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing

And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving

And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",

I say"What, you think I'm angry

Does that mean you think I'm angry?"

She says "Look, you come here every week

With jigsaw pieces of your past

Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs

And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map

So tell me, where does the arrow point to?

WHO INVENTED ROSES?"

and.......

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah

What do you hear in these sounds?

And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah

What do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think

That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink

But Oh how I loved everybody else

When I finally got to talk so much about myself............

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in

And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin

I had this wall and what I knew of the free world

Was that I could see their fireworks

And I could hear their radio

And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing

And they'd know that I was scared

They'd would know that I was guessing

But the wall came down and there they stood before me

With their stumbling and their mumbling

And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...and

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these......

that's what I hear in these sounds!

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