'Breath Naturally'

That's what he tells me. My yoga video seems to think that an instruction like that is perfectly normal and understandable.

For me, it's not.

Now that the shock has worn off regarding how sick I am, now that I've started the medications that will make me well, I'm scared. I nearly let my lungs lapse. Had I gone any longer, I most likely would have been hospitalised. Think about it: If 300-400 is a normal measurement for the output of my lungs, given that I'm asthsmatic, and I was blowing 150 and less, if it had been prolonged, I would be in the hospital. Who knows what else could have happened to me if I wasn't getting enough air?

I hate taking drugs. But the cocktail that has been concocted for me is working. I'd most likely blow about a 200 now. Not all the way there, but closer. Looking at a website, for my height and age, I should be blowing a 454. Since the doctor said 300-400, I won't let that bother me to much. But still. The drugs are working and I'm not as exausted.

All the same, I'm not breathing normally. And this whole episode has me questioning how well I'm taking care of myself.

I'm scared. I need to take better care of myself. So I will. I have to.

My other doctors appointment yesterday was for a doctor about fertility and the like. He said I have to lose more weight or at least maintain the weight I'm at now. I'm going to lose more. Not so that I'm skinny - I don't want that. But so that I can be healthy. I need to be healthy.

Damn. At least I'm home today so I can sleep and rest and get better. I want to take the next week off as well, to write papers, but I can't. At least I'll be healthy while I'm writing them next week.

I've rented 'Crossroads' and 'Beautiful' to watch today while I sleep and perhaps do some work. According to the movie store guy, they're not bad (Crossroads he said was better than he expected and that much of the bad press about it was due to Britney Spears) but I won't get caught up in plot lines. That's exactly what I'm looking for. I don't need to get caught in the crossfire of any plotlines. Right now, thinking is below breathing on my 'to do' list, and breathing is taking up enough of my efforts.

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