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I have been a horrid friend at points in my life, 2002-11-03, 8:53 a.m.


I'm realizing how rude a statement sounded in my last entry. The statement "It's my birthday soon. Last year I didn't post about it, sort of hoping that people who knew me would remember. They didn't." was not directed at people who read my diary and know me only in that forum.

See, my life has changed. It has been minimilized. Some of it I like, other I don't. But it's choices I made, based on time mostly. I used to have a large number of online friends. Some were best friends. Others were close. I wrote daily to mailing lists and had private e-mails going with three and four people, sometimes four and five long ones a day. We talked on the phone, we went to each other for help and advice, and we were close.

Problem is, sometimes the time is not there to keep friendships. Sometimes things go awry. This was one of those things. Unfortunately, I've lost those friends through my own actions. I still talk with them occasionally, but it's not the same at all.

I guess, last birthday, I did a shitty thing. I wanted to see how far I'd let the friendships slip away. Shitty, I admit. Horrid, I know. But I didn't get mad about it. It was, I guess, seeing how far I'd let the friendships fall. They didn't do anything to let these friendships fail - I was the bad friend. However, I guess I wanted to see how bad a friend. Last years birthday, I found out how bad. No one remembered.

But anyway, that's the story behind the comment. I miss those people - I still have some contact with them, but not as much and not as close. I feel bad about it and hate that I lost them. I guess choices you make make life the way it is.

Life is still good. This is one pocket of it that I messed up. I bet everyone has a story of 'the one who got away'. Right?


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