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This isn't where we intended to be, 2001-10-16, 2:32 p.m.

There's always a minute that everything changes. A minute where suddenly you know that nothing will be the same. There are negative ones and there are positive ones. They could happen anywhere. It could happen at a doctors office. Or perhaps in a school. In a bedroom. You could be alone, perhaps with one other, perhaps with a group. This minute is different for everyone and while they can be talked about, they can never be compared.

I remember that minute in my life when things changed. Negatively yes, but more so because it makes life difficult, makes planning harder. I was not alone. Instead I was at a Doctors office. I remember the words. How they sounded and how they felt. The devestation that sank in slowly. It has sunk in. The realization that even I could betray myself has begun to make itself evident. Perhaps, in years to come when I have to deal with it fully, it will sink in again. I don't know. And I won't know until then.

I remember the song that played on the radio shortly afterwards. How it was related. How it still is. I remember the feelings of wondering if things will be the same. How they could never be.

Being dramatic about it all doesn't make it better. It does make it easier to cope with however, when you think about it. A little drama draws you away from the hard, cold realities of life. Perhaps that's why people overreact to little things. Then, when the big things happen, they've already put their energy into their reaction. Or they know that being dramatic lets them avoid dealing with it in a major way.

I don't mean to be dramatic here. Sometimes however, you remember things. It's not that at this moment I'm sad. Instead, something triggered a memory, making me examine it. Making me wonder how life would be without that memory.

That minute in my life changed it. The reverberation of the words echos now, years later. The song brings tears, the lyrics.. meaning. The song is quoted below. Perhaps for me, it was questioning myself when I heard it. Perhaps the news that the character heard relating to mine made it stand out. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps everything.

Things do become similar again. I am no longer crying at every turn when I think of it. I can forget some days. Some days I remember for purely physical reasons, not because it saddens me. When dealing with betrayal, you are dealing with the loss of a certanity. This loss of certanity is what makes dealing with the moment the hardest. It's what always makes dealing with that moment the hardest. Not knowing what you can trust.

There is a moment that everyone will hold. Without defining it, you know it.

From the Movie Evita - You must love me

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?


Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away


You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

You must love me




* Moving Day ** Things I know ** Where I whine about food ** Long sickness description ** Explaining *