D. and I have been watching 'My So-Called Life' dvds. It's like going back in time, seeing and hearing the show unfold before me.

I watched MSCL on the original showing of it. I'd been interested when I saw an article in Sassy about it, and came upstairs half way through the pilot episode and remembered that it premiered that night. I watched, transfixed as Angela and company lived life truely and honestly. I was hooked and contined watching every thursday. NL time is good that way - I watched 'Friends' at 8:00 and then watched MSCL at 9:30 - perhaps one of the only places that had the option to do that. However, if I'd had to make the choice, I would have chosen MSCL. It was that good.

In the fall of 94 I joined a mailing list. I'd just gotten on e-mail (with understanding - I'd been on the internet before and didn't totally understand the bbs I'd been on but did like the websites, basic though they were) and I remember asking my parents what a mailing list was. I joined, stayed silent for a while and then became part of the community. When MSCL was canceled, I fought with them. When a movie with a cast member was on, I watched. As the time progressed after the show was over, we became more of a community than a mailing list.

I had friends on that list. I had boyfriends as well. I met my ex on there and developed our relationship via e-mail. I met D. on there and we had a friendship online and in person. I met other 'listies' in person when I was in England and had a great time. We sent gifts in the mail, we talked on the phone, we supported each other. At the time, I needed the support and took as much as I gave.

All this time, I continued to watch MSCL. I got my tapes from the original list owner and watched them when I could. Once, when we were a neilson family I watched them all week and recorded that. Then it started coming on showcase and I watched it at my friend Ts house every tuesday (I believe). We'd discuss it, much like I did on the list, and we'd talk about how real it was. We became closer through it. She was going to join the list but didn't because it was my thing. I appreciated that.

The list and I continued to grow closer. I was on it for four or five years. I remember telling it about the breakup of my engagement with the ex. Later I remember him trying to figth it all out on the list when I wouldn't answer his e-mail. I lost friends that I'd made on there for stupid and emotional reasons - in fact the only one that I'm still talking to is D. This happened over the past few years, not just on that list.

I did leave the list as it became to emotional. When it became to much. When we all fought - when there were to many fights. Another list was made that went under attack. Then a friend and I made another list that lasted for several years - lasted until I couldn't do it any more and dropped out, then offically dropped out of it. She and I stopped talking then and haven't since. She's the one I miss. Out of them all, she's the one I miss.

Watching MSCL makes me want to join the list again. To discuss the show - have people who are just as impacted as I discuss it with me. D. has rejoined and says that many of the same people are there. That there's a lot of analyzing going on, not just socializing. It makes me long for the list 10 years ago when we socialized less and and analyzed more. I want to join as a mom, as a healthy grownup, as someone who has her feet on the ground, but can reach for the star as much as possible.

But I don't want to need to. I don't want to be where I was and need these people. The bridges are well burnt and some I don't want to build again. I don't want to encounter the ex again, don't want to encounter the socializing again. I don't want to revisit where I was. I'm scared that I'll need to. So I shant join. I think these memories are coming back in watching the show. The show and the list are so intertwinded in my memories that it's interesting to try to figure out where one ends and the other begins.

But, MSCL is so beautiful it hurts to look at it. Watch it. Go now, go

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