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On the way to cute, 2006-11-22, 9:28 a.m.


I've decided to lose weight.
For most womyn, this isn't the most political of decisions. Can't fit into that size 12? Christmas parties coming up? Exist on lemon water and crackers for a few days until those ounces are gone. For me? It's bigger than that (no pun intended).
I don't think that anyone should have to fit a mold or be a certain size. If you're happy with yourself, if you like how you look, if you realize that size (and weight!) is just a number, if you're healthy then why change? I'm on board with the last two, but the first is an issue.
Physically I'm deteriorating. My acne is horrendous, my hair is thinning and I'm not at a comfortable size for me. I'm not comfortable with where I've settled. I can take meds for the acne and the hair (I'm going to talk to the gyn about them), but the weight.....
I'd like to look at pictures and recognize myself. I'd like to feel comfortable with candids taken of me. I'd like to know that as well as being all the other things, I'm cute as well. I don't mind being cute and large, heck, I'm never going to be what anyone would call small and I like it that way, but I'd like to feel cute. I like that I'm curvy, I like that I'm got boobs, I like that I'm soft. I just need to get to being cute. As silly as that sounds as well, I feel like the last person in the world who should want to be cute. But when you're covered in pimples, your hair is thinner than thin and you're not comfortable at your weight, well, cute is a good aspiration to aim for. Honest.

I'm dealing with the things on the inside - the appendix is gone, the gallbladder is going soon - now it's time to deal with the outside. In addition, being lighter will help with some of the insides - the Polycystic ovarian syndrome clears up a little when you lose weight, but makes it hard to lose weight. So losing weight will help with that.
This would not be such a big deal if I didn't eat crap a lot of the time. Not real crap, but junk food. Picking up coffees with lots of sugar and milk, having chips more often than I'd like to admit, making baked goods my friend. So that's my plan. I'm going to give them up. I'm going to make sure that I'm eating real portions of lots of healthy foods. I'm going to follow a plan - not saying which - and hopefully start feeling comfortable.
I can already kick butt at the gym. I don't know my weight because that's not important. What's important now is cutting out the crap. Making sure I'm not eating four portions of pasta because that's what our plates hold. Starting yoga again because I've never felt as good as I did when I used to do yoga. Maybe do something else fun like self defence or belly dancing.
So I'll update sometimes on this. I don't want to bore you all, especially since I've just rediscovered the joy of updating all the time. But since I'm not weighing myself, not attending meetings, not doing anything but trying to be healthier, there's not going to be much to update you on. Perhaps some recipies (I'm perfecting iced green jasmine mint tea - the first batch sucked) and some surprisingly healthy foods (laughing cow cheese!! Yay!! I love laughing cow!), but mostly just me being me. Hope you don't mind.


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