What does it mean to be a wife? What does it mean to be a womyn? What does it mean to be a feminist?

I am all three. A wife, a womyn and a feminist. Can the three co-exist? I think so, but sometimes, I don't know. I feel occasionally I am to stringently one or the other - sometimes I am a co-dependent silly, sometimes I am a womyn first and foremost, other times, the feminist part of me takes over and there is no room for anything else. I can't explain the divisions - how can one explain feelings not facts? - but they are there.

There are times that all three factions of myself co-exist quite well. Most of the time. I can be all or at least go between being all easily. To be me means to be all and I have to do that to survive. Not physically, but as me.

Most of the time, it's easy. It's who I am, it's what I do, it's how I do it. Sometimes, it isn't so easy.

What happens when I throw the word 'mother' into the questions? I know I'm going to be a non traditional mother, just as I am a non traditional teacher. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to have traditions, it means that I will be the mother that I want to be, not that which others wish me to be. I became aware early in my life about fertility issues and the fact ath I might not have kids. Thus, it's on my mind more often than it may be on other peoples minds. Which is fine. I just have to figure out how kids fit into the equation of me.

Then I have to fit the equation of me, wife, womyn, feminist, kids and all, and put it into a doctorate program. If I want to do the best program, it's in ontario. If I want to stay here, it could be a problem, academic standing wise. On the one hand, I should be able to leave my family and do this. On the other hand, I don't know if I can do that.

As my masters draws to a close, I worry about my doctorate more and more. Where will I go? Who will I study under? can I cut it? Can I cut it without losing everything else? When I have a child, will I be able to work with that issue as well as my educational and psycological needs? My yearning to have a doctorate. This is the focus that the program I want has: "Core courses: SES1981 (core course for this focus) and CTL 1313 (core course for the M.Ed. in Gender Equity). This focus offers courses on Gender studies in the family, school, and workforce; feminist practice; gender, class, race, language, and cultural and biological reproduction; social history of women and women's education; feminism and feminist historiography.". How can I not do this? But how can I do this with a child? Part time means gone sometimes.

I could develop a similar program here, if they do begin to offer a course. I could try to get the prof I want and make my own program. But how much of a problem is there doing your B.A., B.Ed., M.Ed., and Ph.D. in the name University? Would I lose respect academically and spend my career trying to prove that I'm good?

I understand the womyn in the hours so much. So very much. The need that is there. The feeling of longing. But I love my family and need them too.

I will sort this all out. I think there is no answer to my questions and no way to have an answer. Time will sort it out. I am in love. I am academically successful and professionaly successful. I have a husband who loves me, a cat who is sleeping on my bed, a pan of apple dumpling that I hope tastes good. I have a choice of doctorate programs and people who believe enough in me to think I can do them. I have beliefs that I hold dear and I fight for. I have students that like me and promised valentines waitings for me back at school. I have all I could want. And anything else, will come in time.

What is a wife, a womyn and a feminist? Me. I guess that's the answer I have right now.

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