Lately I've been having stomach pains. Issues, so to speak. After tests it turns out I have an inflamed colon. No big deal. I take zantac and usually it's sorted out.
I went to the doctor about it after being awoken with major pain w-a-y too often. Major, yucky pain that generally required tylonal, tums, a hot water bottle and a shower. It hasn't happened in a few weeks, which has been delightful. I have been anticipating it however.
See... I think that so often, it's stress that brings on the pain. When I get a little nervous or worried, I feel it in my stomach. I carry my stress in my stomach. There's lots of room. But from where does the stress come?
Well, money for one. We have very little and when things happen to upset our budget, it is not a good scene. I have enough to pick up some things through the month, but we weren't able to save enough to buy the door we need. We aren't taking P. to a museum tomorrow because we don't want to pay the 10$ (but if it's nice out, we're going to take him to something that he'll most likely like more - outside exploring marine tanks). I called a friend of mine - my rock really - to talk me out of buying this skirt the other day. It fit really nicely and I wanted it so badly, but sometimes, it just can't be bought right now. I did buy sneakers today, but they'll last me for ages.
I used to love getting the mail. D. and I would race to the mailbox, keys in hand, fighting to get there first. Now I hate it. The mail brings more bills. Brings more debt. I guess I'm scared that they're going to write and tell me that I messed up and that we're so far into the scary debt land that we'll never come back. I pay the bills every month, but sometimes mistakes happen. Or a bill gets paid later than it should. Or ... or... or....
So yeah. I worry about money. Sometimes to the point it impacts my stomach or my sleep. How to fix this is unclear - make more money, relax more, spend a little wiser at times.
In a few years, money will be much better. We'll have some things paid off, I'll be making a lot more (heck, in a month I'll be making a bit more as well). P. will be out of daycare. Things will be better.
We have also had some changes in our finances - we don't rent out our apartment and we have full time day care. Those are decisions we made and we wouldn't have them any other way. We also ensure we have fruit and veggies and healthy foods, which do cost more. So yeah. There are money decisions that we've made that are how they are.
I think this is why when people say I'm not ready to have kids financially, I say that there is never a great time. Kids cost. Life costs.
That's not my only stress. Money issues are small issues really. Little things kick in so very often and stress me out. Am I doing a good job? Am I a good mom? Will this work? Will that work better? Am I fat? Do I care? Why do I over eat? What will my gyno say next month? Will P. love me when we're older? Will D. love me when we're older? And so on. Such is how life is.
All of this stuff is just a pain in the butt. Or is it a pain in the gut? Either way, here's hoping for a sleep filled night.

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