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We Have Brains - Children Entry, 2002-08-31, 4:13 p.m.


It's a rainy day. And I just came from a dedication for a friends baby. Why not answer the following We have Brains query?

Enlighten me. How does it feel to have a child, a separate human being that you have brought into this world, made from your own body, from your love for another? I am also curious about how you feel towards your adopted children, if applicable. How has this experience changed you? Did you feel different about parenthood and children before you had them yourself? Would you do it again if given the opportunity?

I am also curious about the differences between motherhood and fatherhood. Are there any? Our society emphasizes "a mother and her children" but what about fathers?

Parenthood. Is it all it's cracked up to be?

I will state up front, I want to have children. I want to have children with my husband that are created out of love and created to love. I don't know where this desire came from - I've always had it. The same, I guess, as many womyn feel they don't want to have children. I don't believe that I should convince others to have them if they don't want them. I can't imagine if someone told me that I'd change my mind in the future and won't want kids. So I don't tell people who don't want kids they'll change their mind. So, that stated, I do want children and I don't know where that came from. I just want them.

I see children everyday that were born to people not good at being parents. I see people who would be good parents and who want children and who are unable to have them. It'd sad really. I don't think that for a child, anyone should suffer. Not the parents, not the child. Especially not the child. That's why I think mother and fatherhood should be seriously considered before embarking on that journey. And really, if a child knows they weren't wanted, then really, what will that teach them?

There is so much that a child needs in terms of care. They need love. They need care. They need disipline and they need fun. I think that the parents have to know that they can provide this. It doesn't matter what combination of parents they are - if one male or one female feels they can provide the care needed by themselves, great. There are some very good and very brave single parents. If any combination of genders in any amount want to parent, fantastic. Five mothers might be just right for a child. Three fathers and a mother might be great. One mother and one father might work fantastically. It's really up to the people involved and what they bring to a relationship. They are all brave and all have a role to play in the life of this child. It is their responsiblity to make it a positive role.

I'm using the terms 'mother' and 'father' to denote gender, not traditional role. I expect that when we have children, we will both do some traditional mothering and fathering. There are things that I do that D. doesn't. There are things D. can teach that I don't. Some of these are traditional female traits. Some are traditional male traits. Execpt we won't treat them as traditional traits. They're things we know that we want them to know. Doesn't matter which of us teaches them. Some we will learn as we go. Some we won't realize we're teaching until we find out what they've learned.

I know that I would not be able to raise a child alone. If that happened, I would have to draw on the skills of someone else close to me. It's more than the finances. It's the deciding of what skills you want to equipt your child with to enter life where you don't play as much of a role. This life could be entering kindergarten. It could be dating for the first time. It could be marriage. I don't feel ready to prepare a child for those things alone.

Parenthood is, I believe, all it's cracked up to be. That is if you want the role. If you don't, enjoy that as well. Both paths - parent or not - are valid and acceptable roles and are what they're cracked up to be. Both get bad press, but if they mean you're living your life how you are happy then what else could you ask for?


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