I've been thinking of my recent frustrations. I've determined that I want to have it all.

'It all' is undefinable in general. It is, in some ways, having all your wishes. And then, what happens when you all your wishes?

I guess you wish more.

I don't know where I want to stop.

I want to be the girl with the most cake....
And someday you will ache like I ache
~'Doll Parts', Hole

But really, do I want the 'most cake'? No. I don't want to have my wishes at the expence of the wishes of others. If everyone wants the most cake, how is it fair to deprive everyone of their cake?

But I want all the cake. Make your own damn cake. Maybe then you'll ache like I do. Maybe you'll want it all too. Maybe you'll do it instead of saying it.

I want my doctorate so bad I can taste it. So bad that I can imagine my convecation and the resultant celebration. I feel that when I have it, I'll be listened to.

When you are interested in areas that people don't think about, they don't listen.

I want to be listened to.

I'm gonna show
The world
The strength in me
That sometimes they can't see
~ 'Watch Me Shine', Joanna Pacitti

People don't know what I'm capable of. They don't know what I do or what I think. I guess everyone is the same - we all have interests and dreams that noone knows about. Mine aren't special, but they are mine. Some people you scratch and the surface is what you find. Others are deep, untold stories within waiting to bust out.

lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go
you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
cuz this opportunity comes once in a life-time
~ 'Lose Yourself', Eminem

I can't wait. I need to do it now. But I have a dilema. I want a child. I have a husband. I have family. I have a job. I have roots here. Where I want to do my doctorate, it's not here. It's in Ontario in the best school in the country. A prof of mine who believes in me (she believes in me! Me!) suggests there. She did her doctorate there. What I've read says this is the place for me. Academically.

But personally no. Not for me. It's away and I want to stay here. We could move but how? How leave my job and my life and my family and go and do this doctorate? I can't. Because of me and because of them.

There will be a doctorate here. I could do it here, do the same research and have a child and a job and my life. I don't know if that's the best option. I think it is. It solves most of the problems. But do I give up on the best school for family? Or, is it giving up on it if I can create my own destiny? If I can do my own thing and research my own way and live my life? Will I regret it later? Or, as a part of the Dr. and Mr. ____ family, with a child or two and a job where I have the credentials to be listened to, is there room for regret?

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