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just make it go away, or make it better ...'cause I would do either one for you, 2001-11-01, 8:08 p.m.


Memories sometimes fall on me like rain. Sometimes it's a person I see in the grocery store. Sometimes, it's things that happen around me. Like the girl I saw in the grocery store. Or the internet attacks on people who's diaries I read.

I saw someone at the grocery store yesterday. She looked like her. The one from 'the orgy'. The psycho as she was nicknamed in later years. The friend that she was in the earlier years. The person at the grocery store is how she'd look with weight on. The person even had a coat like her. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened. Perhaps had we acted on certain things, perhaps if we hadn't acted on others. It seems so weird, looking back on the time we had together. She is a part of my life that I don't want back in it. But there were good times. Movies that we cried at, tests we studied for, trips that we took. The time that she brought me food because I couldn't eat and helped me eat every bite. The time I listened to her as she talked about her father, who'd been wonderful before his illness. Mardi Gras where we dressed up as witches. That was our first 'date'. Her setting me up with my boyfriend. Discussions of what we want from life. Plans and hopes and dreams. And there were bad times. The time she offered me a job with her mothers organization and then nearly gave it to her boyfriend because he'd never worked before. The times that she got made for no reason, leaving me confused and hurt. The times that she choose her boyfriend's wishes over her own. The times she choose his wishes then blamed me for that.

But you know what? Despite all of the heartache and the hurt that she put me through, these memories are part of who I am. They helped me learn about myself and be able to be secure with who I am. Hard times do that, you know.

Of course, she was nicknamed psycho. By someone who turned out more hurtful and crazy than she. The recent diary lockings of sugarbug and joleen make me think of him. His online attacks on me. His online attacks on Laura. His twisting of everything I said and his manipulating for pity. I loved him once. I was going to marry him. Marry him. I can't imagine how I was going to give my life to this person. I now see others attacking people, using the internet. And it reminds me of him. Believing that he is right. And that he has the right to hurt. I found, through honest love, that I could do better. That I did do better. He can now find someone right for him - if he was not right for me, then I was not his perfect match. I don't think it works that way.

I've not really heard from him in a while. He mentions me on a list that he is on. He spied on a list that Laura and I run. It's creepy. But I can handle it now. My theory is that he needed a way into the country. He needed something - or someone - to be able to claim citizenship. He's still in his country, living life as a Gay man now. And me? I am stronger than I was when I was with him. I no longer need to hurt. So I protected myself from me and from him until I no longer needed protection.

It's funny how memories appear to you sometimes. And the need to write them down - make them gone from you from your head to your fingers. Not caring any more, but knowing these people are in the past. Like a memory box that needs to be opened now and then. Then, not sealed away, but put away, never forgotten, but no longer as important. That's life.

On another note, the gender test at 'The Spark' told me that they're 80% confident that I'm a womyn. These are the same people who told me that I'm 51% Gay in the Gay Test. Not sure if taking a test on the net is something that really tells you about yourself, but it's kinda fun. Enjoy the links.

And here's a favourite song. Make it go away by Holly Cole. When I was reeling from the end of my relationship with the guy I discussed in this entry, reeling with the hurt and the harm I was causing myself, I started a serious romantic relationship with D., who, at the time, was a best friend and who helped me realize that I could do better. This song seemed right then, as a theme for how I felt I was presenting myself as a relationship prospect. It's from "Dark, Dear Heart". It and 'Onion Girl' could be themes. Themes for me. I think everyone has a theme. This is mine from many years ago. Enjoy.

make it go away, or make it better
isn't that what love's supposed to do?
make it go away, or make it better
'cause i would do either one for you

this is not the way you should see me
this is not the face i recognize
could I lay my head down here for a moment?
would you sing to me like i'm your child?

'cause i'm not angry, i'm not crying
i'm just in over my head
you could be the angel, stayed on my shoulder
when all of the other angels left

make it go away, 'cause i am weakened
this is more than one should have to take
if you do this for me, then i will promise
i'll make it go away for you someday

there are reasons, silver linings
there are lessons but i don't care
'cause I just need a hand that i can hold onto
when it's darker than death out there

oh I'm so cold, and so far away from my home
but tonight you're, you're where i belong
you're everything right when i'm everything wrong

so make it go away, or make it better
isn't that what love's supposed to do?
just make it go away, or make it better
'cause i would do either one for you

make it go away, or make it better
isn't that what love is supposed to do?
just make it go away, or make it better
'cause i would do either one for you


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