Tuesday. Hopefully a less random day. I start my inclass course. I'm really looking forward to it, but of course, I have the first day jitters. And the first day drag heels. I don't want to go. Once I'm there, I'll be fine - thrilled even. I'm looking forward to it.

I think I love doing courses to much sometimes. Perhaps my dragheeledness would indicate otherwise, but I've been out of bed since 5:30, up sporatically since 4:00. Going to a class a 6:00 doesn't fully appeal. But I love doing classes. I love giving my opinion and debating. I love contributing to a learning environment. I love some of the assignments. I'm going to miss it. Heck! I'm finishing two terms early. I have to pay for those two terms, which sucks, but I'm finishing early.

I would like to continue right through and do my doctorate. But I need time off - since August 2000 I've had one term off, between undergraduate and graduate work. I've held a full time job since September 2001, with my summer off. I need to take time for D. and myself to be able to relax without deadlines. And I need to save money. I am a money pit, as is my education. I'm going to apply for something to stop that, but really, the chances of that are unlikely.

And am I ready to do my doctorate? According to my 89 in my Teaching and Learning Course, no. I can't write a literature review. I think of that and hate it. I have to learn. I just want the chance to expand my own thinking, and having to cite and use others slows me down. Sure, I'll read it, but handcuffing me to writing solely about others work makes me unable to write. It's funny, that 89 feels like a failure.

So I don't think that educationally I am ready. I have to learn the art of the literature review and of being less academically egotistic and selfish. Other people say better things than I and state them more profoundly. I must learn that.

But I really want to start my doctorate now. Or at least in September when my masters courses are done. I'd kick my heels on the floor and yell and scream, but perhaps that's not suited for this occasion. Or is it.....?

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