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Selfish quandry, 2004-09-12, 8:07 a.m.


I'm in such a quandry.

We have tickets to Sarah Harmer tonight. Front row, center, which may or may not be good seats, but it sounds impressive. I bought them back in june when P. was younger and I thought that by now, he wouldn't need me for a few hours at night.

Turns out he does. The concert starts at eight. He feeds three or four times from seven to eight. Then he often feeds a few times between then and ten. Last night for example, he woke up, started to cry really hard (quite unusual!!) and fed at eight thirty. Then, when I tried to put him in his crib around ten he woke up and needed to be fed. Night time he's a hungry boy. He's a needy boy - he needs his mommy. He eats more when D. tries to hold him - he wants mommy.

So, how do I go to a concert? I have no idea. I have visions of my baby crying, needing me. I don't want to give him a bottle and he's not started on cereal yet. I feel selfish for wanting to go, even though people keep telling me that he'll be ok with out me, or I should just go until intermission.

Speaking of that, I've called the box office and they don't know the schedule of the show - if there is an intermission, what time she's coming on, etc. They'll know tomorrow. That doesn't help. I don't want to go and just see the opening act. I don't want to go and have to leave, drawing loads of attention to myself as I leave from my front row center seat. I don't know if they'll let me in once the show has started. I don't want my parents to hold off on calling me until he's really upset and then have another twenty or thirty minutes until I get there.

So I don't think I'm going. But I don't want to admit that. If I go, my parents will babysit. Other wise, if I'm home, they'll visit. I've asked me sister if she wants to have coffee or something, but I can't bear to check my e-mail to find out her answer as it means I've truely decided. I've told D. to go and that I want a t-shirt, but I hate that I can't go.

So frustrated. This physical tie to a human being is new and different for me. I feel so selfish for wanting to go.


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