There are new people living in the apartment downstairs. A couple with a young daughter moved in. The daughter (I believe) is around two. She's got curly hair. She's cute.

When I got home the guy downstairs was holding his daughter up to the window. When the light is on in their living room I can see them as I get out of the car. Reminds me of why we keep our blinds closed. Tonight it reminded me of other things. The snow was falling and she was thrilled. There were kids in the middle of the road, rolling big balls of snow down the road. It was all a kids wonderland - the eyes on the little girl from downstairs reflected that. As I got out of the car, she was pointing to the snow and smiling.

It reminded me of being a child. Of loving snow. I remember building a snow bug with a friend of mine, hoping that we could make it big and colourful enough that people would come and see it. It was pathetic but we were so proud of it. I remember sledding and snowball fights. The coldness of the snow and the air outweighed by the fun and adventure. It was an adventure alright. We used to go sledding in an area on base that was surrounded by trees and paths. If you went fairly straight down the hill you were fine - the hill was perfect for that. If you curved - even a little! - you went into bushes. But if you got a good run... wheeeee.... you went forever. At least what felt like forever. It felt longer as you climbed back up, but it was worth it.

When we moved in here, winter wasn't the same. I did go sledding once, but that was when I was older. Second year university I believe. I didn't watch the snow in hopes of anything, didn't build any snow castles or sculptures. It had lost something.

Winter is no longer what it used to be. Each year, I begrudge each snowflake. I worry as I drive that I will crash. Last winter I had a pretty rough awaking one morning - I started to brake and spun several times, then slammed into a snowbank. People even stopped to see if I would make it out - I did and felt like I was leaving a battle. I was late for school - the anthem was already playing as I booted it in. I worry that will happen again. I think of spending hours and hours pickaxing the driveway so that the car could get in. I think of having to drive D. to work, even when I have the day off (he doesn't drive) because of snow. I've been stuck in places because of snow. I've had to climb out my windown because of snow. Everything that has happened has affected me. I've lost that child hood feeling towards snow and in some ways I miss it.

Last year, during my internship, after exams, the Department Head had the full english department over for lunch and dessert. On the way in, my supervising teacher did a snow angel. He's 48 years old making snow angels. He has the same problems with snow as me. But he doesn't begrudge it. Perhaps that's what I need to do. Make more snow angels. Take advantage of the season. I may not like it, but I don't need to grudge it.

Perhaps I need to look out the window, wide eyed, pointing at the snow. Appreciate it as something new, something precious. Love it for what it is. Respect it for what it is. And appreciate it. It's only snow!

Some day I will have a daughter or son. I will take them to the window, letting the world see us. I'll hold them close as they point to the snow, amazed. Perhaps we'll go sledding and we'll go forever. Perhaps then, through children I don't have yet and memories I have yet to form, I'll recapture the feelings I had at one point. Make a wish on a snowflake - it might just come true.....

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