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To my poppy, 2004-05-26, 10:50 a.m.


I've been trying to add an entry for days and never seem to do it. I guess I have a million things to say and no time to say them.

I'm getting used to being tired but not used to how tired I look. I took a bunch of pictures of me and P., trying to get a good one (I didn't, pose wise) and damn, I look tired. So I took some pictures of me by myself. No huge double chin but damn I look tired. And pimpley - while they have gone away a bit, they're not totally gone. Gotta love that for me, pimples are a side effect of not being on the pill.

I still hate that I didn't get to go to the funeral. I sent flowers and thought about what I'd say if I were there. About how this is a sad occasion because we've lost someone. And how it's sadder because it's the second time in three months that this family has gathered to mourn a loss. But how happy it is that he is no longer in pain, which is, when you love someone, something you hope for them. And happy because we can remember and discuss all the good memories that we have of him without seeming silly or overdoing it. Funny how sharing memories of someone when they're alive and when they're there seems silly.

My memories of my grandfather are around his stubbornness, his loving and his pride. He lived in the same house as I did - different side of a duplex - from when I was seven to when I was thirteen, so I saw him often. Before then, he and nan took care of me until I started school. He was a part of my life always and my memories are well formed and well grounded.

Poppy stuck to his routines and never let anyone or anything, including bad health, get him down or stop him. Had he not had this stubbornness, he would not have made it this far in life. He loved us all so much - as a grandfather he cared for all his grandchildren and made sure we were happy. I remember the day of my wedding, he and my grandmother peeled about 100 potatoes. He then went out looking for fake daisies. He wanted to be involved and was so happy to be there he'd do anything to make sure that it all went smoothly (especially the fake daisies, as mom pointed out the real ones that were going to go on the cake had little bugs in them. eewwwww). As a kid, he always wanted to be involved in our lives, always took care of us when we were over there and was proud of us. He was also proud of his technological abilities. He showed off his cell phone - the one from the 1980's that was attached to a briefcase. He showed off his picture in picture on his television. I state that he showed off, but really, he showed with pride. I think of it each time I show off something technological of mine. He was the same with our skills. He'd share stories with us about his life, comparing my driving experiences in montreal to his decades before, or perhaps discussing trips he'd taken or events hed been to. He loved and he lived.

When I think I will remember most from recent times is a phone conversation that I had with nan just after poppy died. I knew he had pictures of P. up in his hospital room. Nan told me that he refered to him as 'his baby'. Even typing that makes me want to cry a little. He never met P., never saw him in person, but loved him so much anyway. One thing I wanted was for them to meet. At least they were in the same world together for a while and love was shared. What more can I want, given the circumstances?

And he will be missed.

I think, as I pointed out to L. on the phone the other day, the hardest part will be when I go to visit Nan this summer. I don't feel a feeling of finality yet. I don't feel it's over yet. It will be hard to visit her and have it hit me then. Other grandparents, I was able to say good-bye in my own way. I will have to find a way to say goodbye before I go, otherwise the process will be quite hard. Or perhaps that's what's needed - a hard process in order to drill it into my head that he is gone. He was a part of my life forever and it's hard to believe that he won't be directly a part of my sons life.

I am happy he is no longer in pain, but sad in so many other ways about it all. However, the sadness is selfish. Goodbye poppy. I love you.


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