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We Have Brains - Feminists, dinner parties and romance, 2002-08-15, 2:14 p.m.


From We have brains:

How much of your feminism flies in the face of your family? Do you find yourself at Thanksgiving dinner muffling your voice in favor of a 'nice' gathering? Or do you snap at your homophobic relative over the gravy? Or do you all forgo the big dinner and volunteer at the local food pantry instead?

Much of my feminism flies in the face of my family. I come from a small inner family, but a large extended family. I have had to muffle my voice occasionally, but generally have heated and frustrating conversations with family members, occasionally gaining support, occasionally wondering how I could be related to these people. I think that in many occasions, I clash with others, family or no. I have some supporters in my opinions, but often, they do not appear. We clash about many things � the books in the curriculum, native land rights, equality. Sometimes I get told to be quiet and let the meal continue before it is ruined, sometimes I get enough of a response that it makes the dinner party more interesting for all.

When I was thinking about this question, I thought about my bridal shower. Yes, all roads lead back to the wedding. I am having a bridal shower. If I could, I would have a coffee shop type bridal shower. I just realized this today, so it�s not as if people aren�t listening to my wishes. Just to clarify. Anyway, when planning this, I had one requirement: No domestic games. No games that imply I will be a little wifey. No games that make it seem as though my role will now be a domestic. I�ve told people to let the guests know I don�t need domestic gifts. Domestic goddess I could become, but domestic I will never be. This has been a clash and even those I know well are buying me domestic things.

It�s a tradition you see. Buy things for the woman to set up their kitchen. But this womyn has had anything she needs for the last few years and doesn�t need anything more. Anything I do need, I have. You don�t need much to do simple cooking. And the cleaning supplies? Ask D. what we need. He does that. We�re set and we�re equal. But, when looking at the celebrations of our life together that other people are giving us, he gets the barbeque and strippers. I get the sandwiches and domestic implications. Added to that, he gets jokes made about my nagging. I get jokes about how I will become a wife and all that that entails.

So I have had some confrontations lately. Just trying to convince people that I don�t want to have a shower that draws upon the antiquated version of traditional wifehood.

Actually, the shower will be interesting. It has a lot of trivia games � about me, about movies, about music. The movies and music are all meant to be romantic. But yet, so many of these romantic are so condemning of womynhood and of feminism. I wrote something (quite badly) several years ago for a mailing list I am on. It was based on the tm top twenty romantic movies. They included such movies as titanic, dirty dancing, pretty woman and others. I quickly wrote a critique of the list that was made. It has errors and flaws within the statements and grammar, but it�s a rant of mine that I enjoyed making.

From August 7th, 2000, posting to Art is Life mailing list

I have to say that I disagree with a lot of their choices. For one, Love shouldn't be based on dying for the person - while yes, the emotion is strong, dying because of stupid petty stuff (ie: west side story, Romeo and/+ Juliet) or being bought by the person that you fall in love with (ie: pretty woman) or having to totally change to be accepted by their man and his friends (ie: grease) or being in total submission to the guy that you're seeing (ie: dirty dancing). And other things. I mean, yes, they are entertainment, but couldn't they think of more examples where the male and the female are on equal ground and have to deal with a romance, which is hard, as compared to the outside factors around it?

Oh! Titanic - I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I related to it. Now, perhaps because of the relation I felt to rose, and my dislike of Leonardo Dicaprio, I found that this was less a romance in the strictest terms, and more a story of self-discovery. Learning to rebel and to break out of the mold set forth for you. Getting away from someone abusive and finding that there are others you can love. Including yourself. Otherwise the total nondevelopment of the jack character doesn't make sense � the movie was long enough for him to grow!

So yeah... yes, I agree that some of their top 20 are good romances. However, so many of those that they picked are ones where the womyn is the total inferior of the male, and has to change to suit his life. The line 'Don't Call Her Baby' just signifies a change from one dominant male to another, 'She saves him right back' does nothing as the cinderella fantasy is already played out, and 'you better shape up' means nothing as she's already changed her total persona and style to suit his needs.

We need more good love stories!!

This all isn't to say that I don't enjoy many of the movies on the list - I do! but not as great romance - many of them, if you had a romance like that you'd be in trouble. Where are the 'playing by hearts' where love is shown in all its facets? Where are the movies like 'It�s my party' that show love of family and how love can survive past relationships end? And so on...


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