I really have to curtail this diaryland obsession that I'm developing. I'm checking my guestbook all the time wondering if someone new signed. And I"m reading way to many diaries. Something that would be fine if I didn't have other work to do. But the glimpse into someone elses life, no matter how it is presented is too much. I need to work on that.

I've been thinking a lot about old friends. Not sure why. Perhaps cuz I'm at uni. Perhaps cuz of issues raised in culture class (like homosexuality, depression/eating problems, etc) and they remind me of those times. Perhaps there's a guilt there for things done long ago. I know theres a guilt there, even though at the time I didn't feel guilty. And I shouldn't feel guilty. And I never want to go back to those times. I never do. But, maybe I miss them? Or perhaps I just miss the carefreeness that was on the surface and how people thought I was? Perhaps its missing the youth that I was yesterday rather than the adult I am today (however, what that means for tommorrow, I don't know!).

Its all really petty. I mean ok, there was a group of us. And we were close. I put the group together as I was friends with each of them individually and then got them all to get together and hang out. Not to say that they didn't know each otheer - M. and A. were friends, but they weren't 'hang out' friends. I made them hang out. And we were interesting. We'd drive around for hours. We'd discuss everything and any thing. I was the shocker, A. was the innocent, M. was the 'coming to terms with himself and proud of it and E. was the drama freak. It was fun. We'd have unvalentines day parties and hang out and discuss anything. We were in plays and wanted to put of ones of our own. We didn't care what others thought and went to the beat of our own drum. E. and I even shared a room in Harlow and shared shoes. You have to be close to share shoes.

Anyway... I decided that I was growing up and M. was really annoying me. I don't mean a little, I mean a lot. E. had said the same kind of thing but didn't do anything about it. I did do something. I stopped hanging out with him. To my defence, I had a lot of things going on in my life. Things I won't mention. I think the climax came when he started a relationship with one of my friends. Yes, friends shouldn't be horded, but the guy was someone who I knew exclusively for years. He was MY friend dammit. And they started a relationship (internet one) and it hurt. But I had to be honest and selfish. And I broke off friendship with him. And life felt a little less annoyed. I also got a part in a musical. This had rehersals every saturday for a while, then after Christmas, had rehersals wednesday and friday night, as well as saturday. I was doing courses as well. I was never available any more. And saturday nights were taken for reasons various and sundry (but mostly sundry :)

So, I was never seeing E. and A. any more. They thought I was avoiding them. I just had not time. Telling them this made no difference. Plus I was working out a lot of things. I had a romantic relationship break up. And another one start. It was an interesting 'talk show' kind of time. Anyway, they decided to put on a play. I was put into it a week into rehersals after someone had dropped out. I went to rehersals - 4 of them actually. And it was nuts. They were really disorganized. They were letting the actors take over and didn't realize it. Nothing was really getting done. I didn't need that at that point - I was finally getting my life back together. Finally. So I dropped out. I'd only been to 4 rehersals and out of the 2 months they'd given themselves there was a month and a half left. And I got someone else to go to a rehersal with me to make sure I wasn't overreacting. He agreed that I wasn't. Anyway... after I dropped out, they no longer talked to me. No reasoning, no comments. I had to get some books from A. and showed up when she said she'd be at home. She wasn't (but I got the books). She later said in an e-mail that she was hurt I didn't show up at a time when she'd be home. We've not talked since.

I've seen them a few times. I'm sure that they have a different story to this one. And there are details that I haven't included. I've not figured out why the relationship M. got into was so bad. I think it was just because they didn't let me know it was happening until they were in love. Now.. that sounds selfish but picture two of your closest friend that didn't know each other until you sent out an e-mail wiht both of their addresses in the to: list and then two weeks later being told they are in love. It hurt. Not that I had a right for it to hurt, but with everything else, well, it did. Anyway, I'm not justifying. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I guess because I've been thinking about it and this is my diary. I don't ever want to go back to how I was and how it all was when we hung out. I don't even want to start a new friendship with them. I guess sometimes curiosity builds up and you wonder about people from the past. I have a good life now. I'm healthy and I'm happy. And thats good. I hope they are the same. I wish them well.

BTW.. my cat didn't destroy anything of mine. I guess he's not mad. However, he has been sleeping in the bed lately. Yes, in the bed. Like in the boxspring. If I didn't know better - like that he is male and fixed - I'd think he was having kittens. Hopefully its just cuz he's warm. I'll have to keep monitoring.

And I have to get to class...

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